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It’s President’s Day and just like every year, lists ranking the efficacy, intelligence, and popularity of the forty-three U. There’s not much to say about Taft, except that out of all the presidents, he definitely bore the strongest resemblance to Garfield the cat. Very few have ever fantasized about Benjamin Harrison, possibly because most people have forgotten he existed. Hayes botched Reconstruction, to the lasting detriment of African-Americans. Sure, he’s the father of the Constitution, but he was only five-foot-four. in an off-putting, “please don’t make my skin into a lampshade” kind of way.

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Because it is not a government entity, Jefferson can fire people at will, said a staff attorney at the American Civil Liberties Union of Pennsylvania.

(And actually, there’s a reason Paul Giamatti got cast in his biopic.) He had a big nose, a bad comb-over, and luckily for him, the Darwin Awards were still over a century away from their inception: after refusing to wear an overcoat while giving his Inaugural Address, he caught pneumonia, and died a month into his term. The puckered old-man face is a turn-off, but causing the Great Depression is worse. (Here, let’s take a closer look.) Confidence is sexy, and it definitely takes confidence to look like that.

Not particularly handsome, Garfield mostly lacked confidence, which will get you nowhere (I mean, the man couldn’t even manage to win “Most Garfield Like”).

Sure, he’s a bit jowly (“Muppet-esque,” you might say), but you can’t deny that the man had a nice chin dimple. Not to mention that Taylor’s nickname was “Old Rough and Ready.” Bushes elder and younger have almost the same face, so it would be wrong of us to place him too far from his progeny. The tallest president at six-foot-four, Lincoln was a successful lawyer, a great conversationalist, and had “O Captain, My Captain” written about him.

But honestly, now that we’ve all seen him throw up, the magic is gone. (In contrast, say what you will about Dubya, but he completely fucked up the entire country with undeniable verve.) Okay, so he had a mullet. There’s a reason people still hotly debate this guy’s sexual orientation and not, say, Grover Cleveland’s.